Monday, June 7, 2010

you be the judge: a new parenting book

My parents are writing a new book.

And I'm excited about it because it's right down my alley of what I'm worried about most with my kids right now: giving them ownership of choices and decisions and work and all that jazz. It's about how to ward off the tendency to keep waiting on our kids hand and foot and instead, find ways for them to be in control of their lives themselves.

We must teach our children honest, good principles and let them govern themselves. Someone wise once said (I think Sarah from Clover Lane) that our job as parents is to wean ourselves out of a job. We want our kids to be strong, noble, contributing members of society, not ones that need to be petted and pampered through life.

SO, my Dad sent me a few excerpts from the book and requested that I post them for review. YOUR review. He wants to make sure that they are going in the right direction with what they've got so far and you get to be the judge. I've got my opinion ready to go but I'm curious about yours. Is it going to be a masterpiece? Are you going to run out and buy up as many copies as you can? Is it too contrived? My parents' children are all grown up...are these ideas they are offering up ones that will work in our day and age? They want honest feedback.

So, here you go. Enjoy.

INTRODUCTION

Far more than any previous generation of kids, today’s children feel entitled. They are indulged, they are pampered, they don’t have to work (or to wait) for anything. Not only do they live in a society of bail outs and instant gratification, they live in homes that exacerbate the trap by giving them everything they want.

And it really is a trap, because once those entitlement jaws have grabbed a kid, they hold fast! And the reason this trap is a particularly bad one is that it stifles children’s initiative, encourages self-centeredness, and mutes their natural and healthy fear of consequences. It makes them feel like the world owes them a living and like they should have everything they want, right now, and without any effort.

So our kids don’t learn to work.

They don’t feel much incentive or motivation to do their best.

And they don’t know much about consequences because someone always bails them out.

It’s easy to blame the trap on the culture that surrounds us. We do, after all, live in an economic age of entitlement. It is government “entitlements” that are breaking the bank at the federal, state and community level. We have come to believe that we deserve certain things whether or not we can afford them and whether or not we need them, and if we fail, or get in too deep, we can always declare bankruptcy or wait for some new law or provision to save us.

Just as we feel entitlement from our society, our kids feel entitlement from us. Even more so! They grow up believing that we should (and will) give them everything they need….everything they want. And nothing could be more destructive of their motivation, their creativity, and their responsibility. In giving them what they want, we deprive them of what they need.

So as much as we might like to say “It’s societies’ problem;” the fact is that it is our problem and our kids’ problem, perhaps the biggest one they face, the one that will affect their future the most.

Here is how the trap works, right in our homes, right under our noses with our kids:

In the name of love, we….

Give them entitlement rather than responsibility…..

Give them indulgence rather than consequences…..

Give them instant gratification rather than discipline…..

And give them dependence rather than ownership!

We are trying to control our kids rather than giving them control...

And instead of teaching them values, we are teaching them to value the wrong things.

What is happening both in our family cultures and in our broader social culture turns into a powerful trap that snaps our kids’ initiative and holds them back from the responsibility, consequences and choice-making that could prepare them to live happily and successfully as they grow into adulthood.

No parent would lay this trap intentionally. We are doing it in spite of ourselves. It is so easy to get swept away in our materialistic, competitive life styles, and we have failed to understand the dangers our indulgent society imposes on our kids or the negative effect of the economic craziness of the world they are growing up in. So instead of countering it in our homes, we mirror it. And as a result, we are not only letting our children fall into the entitlement trap, we are pushing them into it.

Today, as we speak and present to parents all over the developed world, the list of questions they throw at us is always the same:

"Why won't my kids pick up their clothes or put away their toys?"
"Why don’t they put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?
"How can they make such obviously bad choices?"
"Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?
"Why can't I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their choices?
"How do I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?

“Why can’t I get them to work, why won’t they follow through on their tasks?”


One evening, as we heard these questions for the umpteenth time from an audience of parents in an auditorium, we had a eureka moment—a parenting epiphany: We realized that ALL the questions on the list have the SAME answer. They are all solved if we can get rid of the sense of entitlement and replace it with a sense of earned ownership. Today’s parents must find ways to give their children responsibility-breeding ownership in their homes rather than entitlement-breeding indulgence. And they must do it while the kids are young, before the ever-increasing consequences of entitlement grab them as teenagers and adults.

Ownership is the lever that can spring kids out of the entitlement trap and cause them to feel responsibility, motivating them to work, to take care of things, to fight through difficulty, to face up to their own problems, and to decide for themselves what they want from life.

As we focused on ways to help parents give their kids ownership, we realized that this whole breakthrough in our thinking was just a broader application of the ah-ha moment we had with Noah years before, and that the perception of ownership could not only keep shoes on kids feet, it had the potential to greatly simplify parenting and to literally rescue our kids from the entitlement trap.

Whether it’s your child’s grade in English, or the fight your daughter just had with her sister, if they don’t own it, they won’t work at it or take care of it.

In our ongoing work with families we have discovered that there are workable (and enjoyable) ways to give young kids (elementary and middle school age) genuine ownership not only of their clothes and their toys, but of their choices, their relationships, their goals, their conflicts, and their values. Helping parents to give all these types of ownership to their children is the central goal of this book .

But if a parent is really going to get it, and really going to make it work, he or she has to remove the three barriers of old beliefs, old excuses, and the old fallback position of not having time. So let’s begin by acknowledging these three potential barricades so we can watch for them, and you can watch for them and not let them slow you down in the pages ahead:

  1. We’ve got some beliefs as parents that need to be re-set.
  • The belief that parents should try to give their kids all the things they didn’t have when they were kids.
  • That we should always bail our kids out when they make mistakes.
  • That the way to get them ahead is to push them ahead, whether they like it or not.

  1. We make some excuses that need to be rooted out.
  • We say, “Oh, they’re just kids”, or
  • “That’s just how the world is now”, or
  • “Their friends don’t have to.”

  1. We have some time issues and priorities that need to be re-structured.

· We’ve got to get over playing the ultimate trump card of “I can’t do it now because there’s not enough time.”

· We need to understand that, like any infrastructure, some extra time is required to set up systems of responsibility, but then these very systems will begin to save us time.

This book will give you a roadmap for creating a new “family economy” of earning, ownership, responsibility and motivation for your kids; and in the process it will help you to re-set some beliefs, root out some excuses, and re-structure some time so that you can rescue your children from the entitlement trap that will otherwise undermine the quality of their lives (and of yours !)

93 comments:

Deb said...

Sounds like a book I'd love to read. My kids are still pretty little, the oldest one being 7. I'd love to know what I can start doing know so they grow up learning to work for things. I do try to make them earn stuff and work around the house, but I could definitely use more tips and advice.

Let us know when the book comes out.

Cardalls said...

Love it! Would purchase and buy some to give away! Exactly what society needs.

Amanda said...

I love love love your parents- you don't know me- but I know who your parents are and have been a long time fan!! This book could not have come at a better time for me. Just the other day I told my 9, 8 and 6 year old that we all needed to start helping together instead of me doing it all and my 9 year old looked at me and said "I thought that's what mom's were for- to do the work." She was totally serious- I know I have definitely failed my kids in the responsibility department- I just don't know where to start to change. Tell your dad to please hurry and finish this book so I can buy it now! (PS-I get a lot of great ideas from you too- I love your blog- it makes me so happy- thanks for being willing to share it with total strangers like me:)

...You May Say I'm A Dreamer said...

Thank you for sharing, and tell your dad thank you! This is the book that I have been waiting for!! Really...my kids are grown, but I now have grandchildren and watch as my daughters struggle with trying to give them "the good life" and put them in way too many dance classes, tumbling, singing, t-ball etc.

Life has taken a change over the past few years and finances are difficult for a lot of people. The guilt that these 2 sweet mothers face by NOT having enough money is mind-boggling to me (both are SAHM's by choice). What your parents have written is timely and necessary. I would love to see them address the fact that, due to our current economic state (and yes, your dad is right on about the gov't bail-outs and such) this is the 1st generation in the history of America where their living standards will NOT exceed those o their parents...so sad, but so true! People need to realize this.

Bravo! Can't wait to read more!

Annie P said...

Thanks. I need it. I have always been concerned about these issues but continually fall into some of these traps. I have asked many of those same questions that he poses. We need it now!

I appreciate all you do. I just barely told my kids' piano teacher that need a break for July. I love your example of taking back your kids - at least for a little while. :)

Our Family said...

This book is right up my alley! My kids accuse me of being the meanest mom around because I DON'T give them everything they want and I DON'T do their projects for them and I DON'T clean up after them. Your parents are awesome!

Stephanie said...

Sounds so good!

These issues, especially teaching my children how to work, are things my husband and I focus on with our kids every single day. Often my friends are surprised at how much my children do around the house. They always comment about how it is just faster and easier to do everything themselves instead of teaching their kids how to take care of themselves and their property. It is a huge problem in our society.

My husband used to work with the juvenile offenders in Utah County (he supervised their community service hours) when we were both BYU students and he was always amazed at how these kids knew almost nothing about how to work. How to sweep. How to scrub walls. Stuff like that. Things that a 14 yr old should definitely know how to do, they simply didn't. Often the kids who were getting into the most trouble were the ones who simply had too much free time on their hands and didn't have any responsibilities. So sad.

Needless to say I'm totally excited for this book to come out!!! Very timely.

Carin said...

Yep, this sounds like a book I'd love (and need) to read! Could definitely need more tips and advice.

Laurie said...

This sounds wonderful. Please ask them to get it to the presses quick! I was just reading one of your mom's books this week. Love them.

The BirdHouse said...

Good grief!!! Do your parents have a hidden camera set up in my house??? This book sounds exactly like what I have been looking for. Tell your parents to hurry up... I need to purchase this book NOW!!!♥

dg darling said...

LOVE it! I am so glad that your parents are writing another book! I need it NOW though as this is an issue I have been thinking about a lot lately...could you, ya know, post the rest of the book tomorrow? :)

Sonja said...

I will buy it. In my Coffee Break Mom to Mom group that I lead we studied a book with similar ideas. Perhaps if this one is done in time, we can study this one next year!

Julie said...

Yes! please tell them to hurry! I need to read this! I've been reading your parents books from the begining,love them! my oldest is 27 and things were different when she was growing up. I have six children, the last two still in middle school and high school and things have changed in our society and I need all the help I can get!

Brian and Staci said...

CanNOT WAIT for this book!!!! Sounds right on track!!!!!!!! Please let us know when the release date is!!!! I got the one on how to talk to them about the birds and bees....it's awesome!!!!! Thanks a million!!!!

Sara said...

WOW!! This is exactly what I have been looking for.

K said...

AWESOME!!!!! It looks to me like they are following the Spirit and writing a book that is very much needed right now. Tell them "Thank You" SO much for caring about all of us (people they don't even know) and all of the children...they have been and continue to change lives for the better...what a wonderful legacy-thank you! And yes...definitely stay on this path for this new book...is it perfect!

jonna said...

I was most intrigued by this thought: "We’ve got to get over playing the ultimate trump card of “I can’t do it now because there’s not enough time.”

With the crazy pace we create in our own lives these days - there is always a feeling of 'there just isn't time to do that right now'. i would hope this idea would be fully developed as its own chapter (or more!)

(I remember a saying from my childhood "Why is there never enough time to do it right, but always enough time to do it over?")

"I don't have time right now" is probably the excuse - spoken or not - that I either hear or observe more than any other in my home. With 2 in college, one in jr high, and one in elementary school - the busier they are, the more they feel justified in delaying...(fill in the blank) picking up their room, contributing to family, getting on that project, working on personal progress, reading their scriptures, etc.

Sadly, I find myself doing the same thing - thus reinforcing the pattern: rush to fix a meal, then have to run off to the next thing - no time to do the dishes right then...too exhausted when i get home...gotta wait til the next morning.

well - if that's the dominant mindset - busyness relieves you of responsibility here and now - our children's ship will soon sink.

We need to be better at teaching that there are somethings we shouldn't set aside - at all. like a quote in my room says 'a woman who is too busy to pray is busier than the lord intended her to be'.

I personally have to reevaluate how i'm allowing the excuse of 'i'm just too busy' or 'i don't have time to do that right now' is giving them an out - one that works contrary to the personal habits i know are vital to living in a responsible manner.

Yes, I think a fully developed discussion of this area of concern would be tremendously valuable.

Jen said...

Love your blog so imspirational! So, when can I get my hands on that book! It really sounds amazing, my kids are still somewhat little and this would come at the perfect time! Thanks for sharing!!!

Jill said...

I am very excited for this book- I would be one of the first to rush out and buy it!

Jessi said...

Hit the nail on the head! Please tell them to hurry because I need this book now. :)

Amanda said...

I would like to get on the pre-order list. I have been thinking along these same lines for several years-first as a teacher, now as a mother. I think a huge challenge comes when you decide to embrace this way of thinking within your own family-and then come the friends and neighbors and everyone else. It is easy to be made to feel as if you are not providing enough for your children when you follow this path-even though you know you are doing the exact right thing for you. And I absolutely know that we should not care what anyone else thinks, but truthfully-we all do-even if just a little.

ChrisKatieKelly said...

Wonderful!! I will definitely buy this book! Our kids are 7, 5, 3, and 1. We sure do try to instill those values on our children, and for the most part they do pretty well. But there is ALWAYS room for improvement. Tell your parents to write quickly, they will have a long list of people ready to buy that book up!

I am in the midst of reading one of your mother's books, and I just can't wait until I can get my hands on their other books!

I am also a stalker (my friend told me to look at one of her friends blogs, which in turn that blog took me to yours) and I couldn't be more thankful. Your blog is resfreshing, and it inspired me so much. THANK YOU THANK YOU.

crissy said...

Everything they're saying is everything I'm thinking. It would be nice to have this book, with specific ideas from veteran parents.

R and S said...

Hello, I have never commented on your blog, but would like to give my honest feedback to the excerpt.
I want to read more of this book! My children are 14, 12, 9 and 5. There is one belief listed at the end that I would like to see explored in a different way. "the belief that parents should try to give their kids all the things they didn't have when they were kids...needs to be reset"
Personally I am sad that my kids can't have what I did have when I grew up. My parents raised me with limited communication skills but they taught me how to work hard and with important eternal values that have become who I am.
I was free to ride my bike around the neighborhood, play in the front yard and enjoy other personal freedoms that my children do not. I was not daily exposed to the filth and temptations that they are; even with media being restricted in our home. I want my kids to have what I had. It was wonderful. My parents were thrifty and big on DIY. There are some things that I want to give my kids that I didn't have, but they really aren't things you can buy. Most parents want to keep some and leave some of the ways in which they were parented. I want to create a life for my children that stays true to the values I was raised on. I find it extremely challenging to give them what I had in today's world.
I will want to purchase this book, and I may be a minority in my feelings, but wanted to share the other side of that thought. I wish my children had friends with parents that weren't trying to give their children everything. It is tough to be the "meanest parents in the world". But we feel that we can't be flexible on key issues, but still want to raise our children with independence and opportunities to choose for themselves and to be accountable.
I love this blog, I love the thoughts that you share, the beautiful photos and your optimism. I like to read about the successful parenting that you grew up with and how you are applying it to your own parenting. Thank you,
Shelley

mattie said...

I've been following your blog for a while now, but I have never commented. I love reading it everyday!

I, for one, would DEFINITELY buy this book. I only have a 21-month-old, but one of my biggest fears is that my kids will grow up to be selfish brats and feel that they "deserve" hand-outs. My parents instilled work ethic in me, but I was appalled when I went away to college at how some of my roommates didn't even know how to clean a bathroom!

I'm also concerned about ways to balance giving my kids fun experiences (like travel, family activities, etc.) without making them feel entitled--that they have a right to have those experiences.

Anyway, please update us on the book! I'm excited for it!

Vicki said...

PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!! I found myself nodding while I was reading. This is such an issue in my house and I was sad when the excerpt ended! So tell your parents - KEEP WRITING and get us that book!! :) I would most definitely read it. How soon will it come out? My 10 yr old has it bad!!!!! And I liked the excerpt because I understood it - it was an easy read (maybe because I felt like he was talking about my situation!!! Lol!!!)
Please let us know how we can get a copy!! I need it!!! :|
Thanks, Vicki

Powers Family said...

I can't wait to get this book! It's exactly what I've been thinking and worrying about with my kids. I am a huge fan of your parents' books and philosophies, not to mention Joy School. I also stalk your blog, which I adore for so many reasons! Looking forward to more!

Anne said...

I love it and I want to read more!

Jess said...

sounds great!!! would love some guidance on this issue...as we are faced with this on a daily basis....entitled kids, instant gratification or how about "lets give all the kids a trophy or a medal for every little thing they do!" teaching our kids the tough lessons is just that,tough, and i think way too many parents take the easy way out and give in. I have little ones, 3 and 5...and we are considered "strict" parents and i don't have a problem with that...i think we are the only ones who can go into a store and our kids will not ask for anything...because we have really worked on this. looking forward to this book!!!

Susan said...

Can't wait to read it.
Probably something I really need right now. If you've been reading my blog you'll know I get the kids a puppy after 16 years of waiting and lots of promisses and now puppy is leaving after only spending a week at our place. Deadgummit...there goes responsibility, a darn cute little puppy and 450.00. I'm disappointed.

Linds said...

Your parents are literally some of my favorite people in the world. I love their ideas and their methods of parenting. I would definitely read a new book they publish about parenting, especially this one. I want to give my kids that gift of ownership. I've realized that I myself didn't really learn the value of work as a child. As an adult I recognize the value of it, but I haven't really LIVED it. So I have worried about how can a parent who learned entitlement teach their children a different way? I want to learn these same kinds of lessons for myself. Also, I would love any advice from them in this book about parenting techniques with the ownership idea for kids younger than five. I have an 18 month old and these are the most formative years. If I can give him a good solid foundation this young, I know it will help him as he grows older. But how do I teach ownership and responsibility to a 2 year old? Can they learn these things this young?

Thanks for your blog and for being the woman that you are. You are an inspiration to me and to many others. And tell your dad thanks for letting us "be the judge." I'm excited to read the book!

Monica said...

I'm hooked! I'll buy one and buy one to give my parents for the two youngest in the family who think that Mom and Dad still owe them (even though they have families of their own).

Since I have little ones, I'd love this kind of advice to start them out on the right path.

Is there a timeline for the book to be released? I will definitely be waiting:)!

Sarah {The Student Knitter} said...

I like the ideals in the book, but for me the political aspects of what was being written was turning me off of reading more.

If there was a way to center on the family instead of being too political, or using examples from politics, then I think I'd be more on board. :)

Becky said...

Sounds like a book that would help my family and give me some great ideas. I like getting ideas of things to change/do with my children to "make it happen"!So many books are about philosophy which is great but I need suggestions, sounds like there would be some in this book. Thanks, I'm in!

Brandee said...

I am hooked. I am dieing to read more. This is exactly what I need for my 2 teenagers and my pre-teen. Tell them to hurry! We have been dealing with these exact issues and I also deal with them with our YW in our ward. This book will be a MUST HAVE for every parent.

Nancy said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here because while everyone else has glowing comments (which I do agree with!) I'm thinking your parents are looking for critical feedback, so here's a little: (don't be mad) lol.

I think there are too many statements about the government contributing to this problem. Changes the focus (for me!) from what I should be doing within my own home to sounding like a political agenda.

There. I said it. And, now I feel a little bad...

I would just think they would want to make sure a parenting book spoke to PARENTS whether you are conservative, liberal, or somewhere in between!

Cindy said...

I am so excited to read this book!!! My husband and I work our kids everyday for several hours, while their friends can finish their chores in a 1/2 hour. I think people think we are being mean, but we just want to teach our kids to work hard!

My husband went to a Stake meeting where the men were able to talk to some Mission Presidents and the question was asked, "What is one thing we can teach the young men to better prepare them for their mission?" The mission presidents told them to teach the young men to work hard! Most of the problems they were having with the missionaries was that they didn't know how to work!!

Thanks for always inspiring me to be a better mom!!

Susan said...

Can I pre-order a copy ;)

Paula M. Nielson said...

My husband says, "Send a copy to Obama." :)

Webers said...

How amazing that I was just talking about this with some friends of mine. I think many parents are worried about these exact issues & may not know what to do about it. Why do our children have to have the latest stuff just because we can afford to give it to them or because their friends have them? For example: Why do pre-teens or even grade school children need cell phones? I'm sure there are cases where they need to reach their parents, but I believe it's mostly a sense of entitlement & parents giving in because they want their children to be happy.
We can take it too far. I know someone who doesn't try to make his children do ANYTHING that will cause ANY type of conflict. So chores, cleaning up, working at anything, etc. are out of the question because it cause conflicts. Totally messed up. And I think a large part of society believes the same thing: let's give our children whatever they want so they'll be happy, because we wouldn't want them to feel bad or left out or have to work for it.
I'm very interested in this book. I enjoy the style of writing because it's a no-nonsense approach & tells it like it is. There doesn't need to be a lot of embellishment & I'm thankful for that.

Stephanie McBride said...

couldn't stop reading... tell them most definitely they are on t he right track and hurry it up... i wan to read more please ;)

Amy K said...

Yes, I would buy it!

kara jayne said...

love it.

i have to agree with R and S too. i actually feel bad that my kids WON'T enjoy some of the simple pleasures that i did. i too was free to make many decisions on my own and able to freely roam much more than kids today. i also don't ever remember my parents lecturing...or even formally teaching certain principles. they were understood by the way they parented. that's an talent i would love to develop.

i'm anxious for the book to come out.

oh, and as far as nancy's comment on the political nature...i agree and disagree.

i too hate it when i feel like there is an underlying agenda to things (movies, songs, programs) and feel patronized when this happens.

BUT...if you are reading a book like this...how can you not see the association with the world as a whole? in a way i think it would be a little weird to not show the long term effects..and the effects on a larger scale.

just my two cents.

again, i think it's great and can't wait to buy a copy...or 10.

becca said...

You can't just stop there, I need to read more!
Here are my thoughts:
I would be interested to read how to enforce a positive work ethic on older children. My oldest daughter is 19 and is working in a hospital for a year (internship) and works long, hard hours. She barely has time for friends and family let alone chores. How do I enforce family work/chores on her? Is it fair to the younger ones to see that their sister isn't helping out at home? How do you "control" the finances of a 17 year old who is earning his own money (he is doing an IT apprenticeship - btw, we live in Switzerland) and feels that he doesn't need to help out at home since he is paying us housekeeping money (he is still doing his chores but it's like pulling teeth to get him to do them). My younger two (14 and 11) are still working okay but I just notice that the older the children get, the harder it is to get them to want to help.
I would like to read the book once it is finishd.

jen said...

I actually had a moment that shows this philosophy works. Not really going to elaborate, but when I made my five-year-old actually wait for something he thought he really wanted, the "need" disappeared. I could have easily indulged him, but we learned a greater lesson by not.
And these excerpts are fantastic. Can't wait till it comes out.

kati said...

Um... when does it come out.. you left me hanging!:)

Artfulife said...

I have been praying so hard for ways to deal with my 9 year old on these exact issues. I also worry that I will repeat the same mistakes I have made with her with my other little ones. This book sounds like something that could help me as a parent to break some bad habits when it comes to my parenting style. I can't wait until it comes out and yes I am guessing I would recommend it to others as well.

Marissa said...

I also want to give my 2 cents: The political aspect rubs me the wrong way. I think your parents probably want to appeal to people that aren't just in their "base" - so I would try to totally alienate people who consider themselves to be more liberal/Democratic (but still consider themselves to be good people and want to help their families.) Some of those people will also want to do what is best for their families by reading this book, but when reading about "handouts" they might think "this book is not meant for me." Does that make sense?

Lisa Kay said...

You don't know me, but I LOVE your blog! You have great ideas and inspire me to be a better mom. I think your parents are exactly right and I desperately want to read this book. I have 4 kids and my oldest is almost 7. I am really struggling with how to teach him to be internally responsible and helpful around the house, without endless tantrums and pouting and reminding! I think this book is just what I need!

Melissa said...

this is spot on what I need right now for my kids!! I've been asking those same questions. Hurry, hurry!! I need this!!

Meredith said...

I'm dying for the solution!! Give me more. "Ownership" is something my husband and I talk a lot about and would love to have some ideas for instilling that in our kids. Thanks for sharing - tell your parents to keep writing!

KathyD said...

I love it! I hate the etitlement mentality that society pushes and this sounds like it will be a great resource on overcoming that in our families. It is exactly in line with what I want/try to teach my kids.

Me said...

I meet you awesome ladies (you & your mom) at Time out for Women in Spokane. I was with my Stepmom, Peggy (Meyers) Thomson. I have been following your blog since and love it! I think you parents are right on with the book as this is what I am feeling with my kids right now! So I will be one of the first ones buying this book! Thanks so much for all your sharing!

Sarah said...

It sounds perfect.
I can't wait.

D-dawg said...

I LOVE this. It is everything I believe. I totally believe it is good for kids to feel deprived!!

We went to the pool with friends today and I had told my kids ahead of time to eat because we were not buying food at the pool. Well all of their friends were and they felt deprived. But they didn't keep asking me for it because they knew I had said no from the beginning.

And not they're home doing jobs for me to earn money to buy food next time we go. It's great. But it is hard to be that way when a lot of families around you are not. I wish more people would jump on the boat with making kids learn to take care of themselves and make smart choices. I am not perfect at it but it is a goal I have for my family so we keep trying.

I think a book like this would be awesome and definitely something I would read!

Laura said...

I need the answers!!! I read through that whole segment thinking "this is exactly what I am trying to accomplish with my kids" and I want to know your parents solutions and suggestions for how to help my kids accept responsibility!

ange said...

I would LOVE to read this book! I have been thinking a lot lately about how to help our boys become gentlemen that can survive in this world..this would be just what I am looking for!

Stephanie said...

Looking at it from both a parent and a teacher perspective...I am would be very interested in reading further. Thanks for sharing!

Gooches said...

I would buy it...my favorite part is:
The belief that parents should try to give their kids all the things they didn’t have when they were kids.
I think this is so true. We don't realize what we learned from not getting everything. This is what I am focusing on.

Julie said...

I love everything I read so far and now want to know their solutions. I will be first in line.

Rebecca said...

I'd buy it in a millisecond! As a middle school teacher in an affluent area, I've seen it all and answered many of those questions with "because you don't make them do it." Only to be stared at...blankly.

Leslie said...

I definately think they have hit the nail on the head so to speak! I totally NEED this kind of book....and so do my kids!

Vera said...

I'm currently reading your parents' other parenting book - actually I'm almost done, and I LOVE it!

This sounds great, and I WILL go out and grab a copy as soon as it is available. One thing I hope will be addressed, is how to deal with "out there." I feel like at least so far (our oldest is only 5) we are pretty good at this, but we are already fighting, fighting, fighting with the rest of the world. Our kids don't get toys and things except at Christmas and birthdays and very rarely in between. Most things must be waited for and/or earned, and some things they just will never have. They have made bad choices and lived with the consequences, even if it ended up being really sad for them. The problem we're having is that among their friends, we are the ONLY parents who parent that way. And it's HARD to have my daughter around a bunch of girls who get whatever they want whenever they want. It drives me CRAZY (!!!) that in sports nowadays everybody gets a trophy. I know we have to start in the home, but I'm hoping the book will also share some wisdom on how to deal with the greater society, as the introduction alludes to. How do I teach my child to try their best and be a gracious winner OR LOSER, if the sports teams all give out awards for "effort" to everyone? Is there anything I can say to my kids other than "we are not ___'s family" when I hear about the $100 doll that my five year old's friend got, just because she wanted it?

Sadly, I think the problem this book talks about didn't start with this current generation of children - I think it started with us, their parents. I am 31, and I see this issue SO much with my friends, many of whom are living way beyond their means, and really do think they are entitled to everything and think they will be bailed out of anything. It's hard to swim against the tide sometimes.

Hilary said...

SO many parenting books I've been reading seem to center on this.

I just read scream-free parenting and mostly it talked about calming your own fears and letting your kids face the consequences.

It's helped me a lot.

LnZ said...

can't wait to buy it!

Amber said...

I love good parenting books that get down to the nitty gritty. Whenever I read a good parenting book I definitely tell all my friends about it. So I think it will do well.

Can I ask a super random question? Where did you get the letter "P" you have hanging on your wall?

So, random, I know. (amberpitt@gmail.com)

Lynn said...

Oh my goodness! My husband and I were JUST talking about this exact "entitlement" thing written about here. Your parents are right bang on with the subject.

Our daughter is living with a roommate who grew up with this "entitlement".....talk about STRESS for our daughter. She can't understand how a GROWN adult can act like her roommate does. Her actions are so disrespectful to all those around her.....because she was given everything from birth. And I do mean everything. Everything done for her too. Still is.

Sad.

likeschocolate said...

I can't wait to read this. I have been having such a hard time with my 11 year old and while he is mostly 99% a great child he has me grasping at straws sometimes with his attitude and lack of respect.

courtney said...

i would definitely buy the book & look forward to it coming out.

Josh and Jena said...

I would LOOOOVEEEE to read a book like this. I have 2 boys (18 months, and 7 months) so I have a ways to go until we're at that point but I ate up every single word and feel more than ever that I want my kids to be hard-working, strong, indepedent kids and men. I cannot get enough of your parents view and would die to read their book. Please, please, please write it!!!!!
(PS. You (obviously) don't know me, but I read (and re-read and re-read again) the book that you and your mom wrote and you have been such an inspiration. You are such a great example.)

Jen said...

I think all of this nails so many of today's issues on the head! I see so many youth around us that don't know how to work, and so many parents doing everything for their kids. My husband and I were just talking about how we really want our kids to be hard workers and responsible people with strong core values. I am very anxious for this book to be printed. I definitely want to buy it and implement the ideas. I was just left hanging... okay, so I'm ready to hear the plan already! I love their specifics in other books like "How to teach your child about sex" and hope to gain new strategies - a great offense for fighting today's current issues with entitlement, etc. Thank you for all that hard work and research to make THIS happen!

Jen H. said...

We are in the process (because of a previous post of yours) of putting together a "family economy" as our oldest daughter turns 8 next April. When will this book be available to buy? I will be the first in line! Thank you!

Natalie said...

Something I think would be really helpful is to include examples of how to go about creating a family economy. One of the things I struggle with (children 8 and 10) is distinguishing between tasks that are just part of sharing in the household duties and money-earning tasks. I'd like to see some age appropriate guidelines or recommendations regarding allowance amounts and what's required to earn an allowance. Should it be given weekly? Do points work better than cash? Should a checkbook ledger be used to track earnings and expenditures? What "extras" can they do to earn more? Should we have a say in what they spend their money on? How do we motivate our kids to contribute to our home/family/society without a tangible reward? I've tried so many things and haven't landed on the best fit for our family yet. I think the book is on track philosophically, and though it would likely inspire me, I need a bit more meat. I need the inspiration to manifest itself into something practical that I can apply to my life and the lives of my children.

I really admire your parents for taking this project on and responding to the feedback they receive from people around the world. How wonderful that all of us can benefit from their life's work. Thank you for the opportunity to share in the process.

janine said...

Can't wait to get my hands on this book!! My husband and I are both products of the "entitled" generation raised by very well-intentioned but enabling parents. We are now raising 3 young children we adore while still trying to figure out our own issues....and learning the lessons of hard work and responsibility and really not expecting anything from anyone. As we are learning these principles ourselves (some in our adulthood)....we are feeling richly blessed and a great sense of satisfaction and ownership as we earn our way in the world. This is something I am desperate to instill in my children.

Christa Johnson said...

o.k. I am sold!!! I would like to buy it right now, in draft form...he he! I think this is a perfect parenting concept and one that I have been thinking A LOT about for the last few years.
I cannot wait to see it hit shelves someday!!!
Thanks for letting me in on the intro. Awesome stuff by some parents who really know their stuff!!
Love,

Christa Johnson

Derek and Laura Lofgreen said...

This is perfect for my life right now. Thank you and visit me at www.mydeartrash.blogspot.com

Kim said...

I like the general idea for the book. I held Joy Schools when my kids were little(though with a number of cultural adaptations)and generally like the principles behind the Eyre books.
If I read that introduction I would look for something in the book talking about mercy and helping each other through good and bad times to balance out the individual ownership concept.

An overdeveloped sense of entitlement is not something we have struggled with so far - but my husband works in the prison system and has seen plenty of it there. I think that the introduction gives the impression that a sense of entitlement comes with affluence and while I agree that this is very often the biggest trap it is not the sole cause. I suppose the introduction led me to think of affluence as being the main problem.
I think I would buy the book - to complete the set.

Elisha Wiggins said...

Wow! They are right on....and I can't wait to read more. The perfect subject for the times we are in. I have loved all of your parents books and I will anxiously wait for this one too!

Boston K Jensen said...

how about including "how to love your child when they are 'unloveable". Becoming Christlike includes loving our children in spite of their behavior. I see so many tune out, turn off and chekc out of their childrens lives once bad choices enter in....that is the time we need to teach by example and love even more. The worldly instinct is to "kick them out" because they are not in compliance....If you cant love the child - who can? who will? How can you ask our Savior to lvoe a child you can not love?

Kim said...

I agree with Kim when she wrote: "I would look for something in the book talking about mercy and helping each other through good and bad times to balance out the individual ownership concept." This is such an important element of creating a well-rounded individual.

I have read several of the Eyre books and loved them (!), but the introduction of this book seems to be a little heavy on a political agenda. It put me off a bit. The principles of ownership, working hard, creating a strong "family economy" are EXCELLENT; however, I would rather see that as a focus without connecting it so overtly to the current political climate. These are stand-alone values in my opinion--no need to make them political. Just a thought to bring in a broader contingency of readers. I guess, not all of us have the same political leanings, but we can still agree with the principles of teaching hard work.

Deanna said...

Amazing! Please put me on a pre-order list!!

KMR said...

This book sounds like the best book. I thin I have bade a lot of the mistakes they are talking about. I have 2 teens and an 8 year old. I know I can correct a lot of the problems we have made. can your parents come live with me?

Jonah and Aja said...

If Dad wants comments...just have you post i ton your blog. There are some excellent inputs here I think.

Love Being a Nonny said...

No wonder you are who you are. Your parents are FABULOUS with fabulous advice!

Deidra said...

I'll buy it! It looks great!

jen said...

sign.me.up.

Sherice said...

Holy cow- tell me more!! I love it so far. Your parents are amazing. Just what I need. My oldest just finished kindergarten, and I feel like this year was the turning point of my child rearing... I need help!! Can't wait till it's finished and I can snag myself a copy!! Tell them to keep up the good work!

Kristine said...

I am brand new to your blog today and was excited that your parents are writing another book. I have read a couple and love them.

I have read articles and parenting books that address this problem in great detail but have left me hanging on the solutions end. I definately feel that as parents we can pray and receive specific help for our children. Since we are all wrestling with this issue, however, I would love to read about real solutions that work for others. They should certainly define the issues in the book and then leave lots of space for
solutions--principles, age-appropriate systems (that do not necessarily have physical rewards), even parent-child dialogues would be wonderful.

I grew up (I'm 33) in a rural community where I was free to roam as I pleased. In the summer I was asked to be home when the street lights came on. Today that just isn't responsible parenting. Our children's play and our children's work must be supervised for their safety. It becomes a logistical nightmare for parents so it becomes easier to just let them stay home (or someone else's home) and be plugged it (that's safe, right?!) I don't want to fall into that trap but I'm not sure I have the best solutions either.

Right now I want my children to learn how to work in their own home. I want to teach them the value in a job well done. Of course, they complain, so I sometimes have a hard time realizing when I need to push them and when I'm asking too much of them for their ages.

I would like to work beside them more often because that provides more opportunities to communicate, learn, and feel loved. This can be nearly impossible to do with a baby or toddler in tow. I would appreciate it if the tips in the book are mindful of the fact that there are mulitple children involved for most people. If I'm teaching one child to work, I've probably got all of the other children with me as well. (I'm sure that won't be too hard since the Eyres have a large family too).

Thanks. I'm very excited to see this topic addressed! I'm sure the book will be a hit and can't wait!

susie said...

We just introduced the family economy your parents have on their website six weeks ago and it has been so much fun watching the kids (six and eight) make choices. Truly amazing. I can't wait for this book. Mad props, Eyres! You have an amazing gift! Thanks for sharing, Shawni!

michelle said...

Awesome!! Pass on to your parents for me, just the book I need. I have read most of their books in the past, especially with my younger, and it sounds like that book answers a lot of the questions I have now. Tell them to keep it coming and good luck.

michelle said...

I look forward to that information. Tell your parents it is most definitely needed in my world.

Andrea and Casey said...

This book is going to be amazing! I will be buying a copy!

My husband and I (26 and 23) have talked a lot recently about the sense of entitlement. We can't believe what people think they should have "just because". My husband is in school and I am a Sahm to a 2 year old and we have no debt and no government help either. My husband works and goes to school full time to make this possible. I am constantly grateful that he grew up being taught to work for what you have!! Now I am trying to figure out how to teach that to our children in this society and I'm stumped. I can't wait to hear more about what your parents have to say!

Cheri said...

I am ready to buy it. It reminds me of some of the things that I have used on my two older children that I learned from John Holt. However, this is sounds much more in tune with todays world and from a better perspective.Let us know when its ready to go.

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