(I. Want. A. Newborn.)
I know we're done.
We hit our limit with five kids.
I'm flying by the seat of my pants most days, and each night I fall into bed wishing I had more time for each of them...and trying to console Dave that I really think this is the month Lu's going to grow out of her fit-throwing.
So why do I keep getting so darn baby hungry?
Is it because I'm bombarded seeing the sweetest babies sleeping on their mother's shoulders each week in church? I sit behind them and watch...their cheeks all smooshed flat nestled into their mother's necks and their mouths slightly open in such comfort. My whole heart swells up and chokes me with this longing to have my own babies back, snuggling in a ball on my shoulder, breathing peacefully in my ear. I can almost smell their soft rose-petal skin and feel the rise and fall of their contented breathing under my hand.
Yes, sometimes I ask to hold them and so I can drink them in. And yes, every newborn is amazing...the way they stretch, the way they place their long scrawny fingers across their faces as they try to get comfortable, their yawns that utilize their whole bodies.
But that magical catching of my heart doesn't happen. They're not my newborns.
And I wish they were.
Maybe my recurring I.W.A.N. days are also a result of the fact that they had to air a show about newborns while I was sitting at the blood lab the other day? Their tiny bodies wrapped in nothing but a newborn diaper, their hands reaching out and their legs curled in in authentic newborn fashion.
Or maybe it's that Pampers had the audacity to send me a teensy little sample newborn diaper last week. Are they trying to taunt me? The fact that it was a Pampers one made it even worse (I LOVE Pampers...mostly for the smell when you open the box. I think they smell heavenly...I know, weird.) I cried as Elle looked up at me with an expression that said, "what the heck mom?? It's a diaper!"...but once I explained it the look on her face changed to one that told me she knew some day she'd feel the exact same way. I can't throw it away. It sits on my desk and reminds me that I.W.A.N.
Yes, I still know we're done. I just have to get used to the fact that this gnawing desire to hold another one of my newborns in my arms again will never go away.
And really, that's ok. Because even though I don't have a newborn right now, I'm glad my newborns filled that part of my heart so fully. And now I'm surrounded by five of my favorite "big kids" ever.