Monday, February 11, 2008

worry

Dave and I are worriers. We worry about everything. Most of the time the things we worry about are a little different...I worry about things like whether we may have hurt someone's feelings by leaving a party and not saying "goodbye" (Dave laughs at that one), and what sort of emotional turmoil may be going on inside one of our kid's heads (when in reality they are most likely plugging along completely happy-go-lucky). Dave worries more about things like shipments from China for his business and making sure that he has every football game known to man tivo-ed. But the bottom line is that we are both total worriers. So Lucy makes us worry.

First of all she was born with six toes on one foot (hence the name for our blog...to read more about that check out the post from here). Then we noticed a little "Strawberry Hemangioma" on her head. Then another one popped up by her cheek. Each of these things in and of itself was fine. We had her sixth toe removed without much trauma (except that we still kinda miss it!) And Strawberry Hemangioma birthmarks, according to doctors, are really no big deal. They say that by age five most of them shrink back down and disappear. The one on her head is now pretty much covered by her hair and the one on her cheek is pretty small. But aside from those worries we worry about her development. Not only is she not walking at 16 and a half months (which I know in some cases can be totally normal), but she has been slow at a bunch of stuff. Everything from not smiling or laughing forever to not understanding that she needs to take her binky out of her mouth to eat. When I first told the doctor about my worries she brushed them off like it's no big deal and that every child develops at a different rate. But I have four other children. I've watched them each move through every milestone. I know generally what my kids should be doing at each different stage. And Lucy's different. Lucy makes us worry.

So at Lucy's last appointment the doctor took our worries more seriously. She seemed a little worried herself and had us schedule an MRI of the brain and an appointment with a developmental delay specialist. A couple developmental specialists have come and gone since then, and Lucy has qualified for speech therapy. We have more appointments coming up for that this week. I've been on the phone for countless hours trying to get to the bottom of insurance coverage and second opinions for the MRI. My neck and shoulder are sore from waiting on hold with insurance, doctors, hospitals, etc. and from talking to others with children with delays. It's just so scary to have to put your baby under anesthesia, and we've already been through it once with her toe. We just want to make sure the MRI is really necessary before we go ahead with it.

Chances are we're worrying over nothing, and the little bit of therapy they're recommending will be really helpful and put her on the right track. But we just want to cover all the bases and make sure we get any help we can. I hesitate to even write anything about this because I don't want to label her as having problems, but this is what we're going through right now and my heart aches worrying about this sweet girl who I love so much it hurts my heart.

23 comments:

  1. Shawni, I am so sorry you are worried. I think you are doing the absolute right thing. It's not a label...it's discovering if there is anything you need to do to best help that little cutie. If everything comes back fine then great! If not, then you are armed with the information you need to move on. If you need me to take any kiddos this week during appointments let me know.

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  2. I think a little worry is good. We are given that as a gift (as long as it doesn't go to a point of not allowing us to function properly). I just got home from the E.N.T. for Ashton's ears cause I was worried about him (he already has tubes, adnoids and tonsils removed). They were worried a bit as well. I am grateful that you worry about the feeling of others...that is why we all love you so dang much! Worry on...worry on! Love ya.

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  3. I'm glad to know that your doctor is starting to listen to your worries. No one knows better than a mom about want is "normal" for their child. I think our past situation and Kara and Steves past situation can attest to that point. We will be hoping for the best and for as much information as the doctors can give you. We love you guys and all those little cutties of yours!

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  4. Hugs to you. I am a total worrier also Shawni. This picture of here is just mooshy and yummy. Little Lucy has been in my prayers. I agree with what Kara has said here. You are such a fantastic mom and hopefully soon the doctors will get to the bottom of it. My thoughts are with you. :)

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  5. i worry WAY too much about WAY too many things but i really think that you are right to worry about this. we all want our kids to be "normal" and when there is a concern it's nice to know that we can go to a dr. and hopefully come out confident that you have the info nessesary to deal with her issues (if there are any)

    i've been where you are more times than i care to think about, i know how you feel. try and relax love.

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  6. I totally understand where you are coming from. Sophie did not walk until 18 months and I was worried sick but she did it in her own time. I am glad you talked to the doctors and did not let them brush you off. A mother's intuition is always right. We had Early Intervention which is a team of therapists come and evaluate Sophie and even though she id not qualify for services, I learned soo much and was so glad I pushed for it.

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  7. Shawni,
    I will keep you and cute little Lucy in my prayers. It's so hard to work with insurance and different doctors and specialists. Bottom line is they are all human and although they have specialties and lots of training, I feel like moms really do have a certain sense about what is going on with their children. Hopefully it will be nothing. I think she just doesn't want to walk because she knows your heart breaks each day she gets older because she is your last baby and we all know how much you love babies. Maybe she's just trying to help you through your transition of no more babies! Take Care. I'll be thinking about you guys.

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  8. Doesnt it make you look at Lucy and realize what a miracle she is and also how fortunate giving birth to a healthy child is. I remember I never even thought about problems with any of my kids until Bronson came a long. It is so weird how all the little issues are connected and occur at different stages of development. I still would like to study the process to understand it. I can totally sympathize with how you are feeling because we have the same thing going on over at our house. Bronson has struggles and has had them since birth as you know. I feel so lucky to have the little guy and he really has brought a special feeling in our home with our other children and I am sure you guys feel the same way about Lucy. She is such a sweet little doll.

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  9. I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this! I received a text from dad last Saturday & when we finished our short conversation he ended it with "you NEVER stop worrying about your kids"! It kind of hit me that when I call my parents with all my worries they just worry MORE! So, I think we are just beginning with all our worries! Let us know what you find out, little Lucy will be in our thoughts & prayers.

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  11. I'm a worrier too. I don't know how you can't worry about your kids when you love them that intensely. You're a good mom.

    I hope everything is okay.

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  12. It's okay to be a worrier...I'm the ultimate worrier. I worry about things that haven't even happened yet, just the anticipation worries me. But we will keep her in our prayers for sure. But I think she'll catch up and be fine. Heather's daughter was in the same boat. She'd be happy to give any advice as far as the speech/comp therapy goes, I'm sure. We love you!
    -Jennie N.

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  13. Shawni, Claudia told me to take a peak at your blog ... I love the things you say and how you say them! You are such a cute mom and such a good friend to all those around you. You are really a beautiful peron on the inside and out! It is okay that you worry, that is what mom's do best!!

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  14. Ok,I normal don't leave comments on peoples blog that I don't know(I guess that you would call me a blog stalker!)I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You write such sweet things.....I worry all the time...biggest worry wort here!I think having five sweet babies your aloud to worry! Your pictures are AMAZING! Best of LUCK!

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  15. I am sorry you are worried about your sweet little Lucy. You are smart to look into all this now, so that you can help her the best you can. My little Carson didn't walk until he was almost 17 months. We were a little concerned about him because he is late doing everything like talking and other developmental things. Now he is five years old and doing everything he should be at his age. So you just never know. but I will be thinking of you and hope you get some answers to your concerns.

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  16. First off, how did your haircut go? Did you bring my picture and say to cut it just the same? :)

    Second, I was just staring at your Lucy Lu and she's perfect. I'm a worrier, too. I think it is part of the job. Most of the time it turns out to be nothing, but sometimes you worry for a reason. Lucky for Lucy, you are on the ball and if she needs help you've caught it early.

    On a lighter note, my cousin didn't walk until she was almost two. (She didn't sit up until she was about ten months.) She talked late, potty trained late, everything late. She was the baby of six children and just never needed to do anything for herself. Eventually she caught up and at 6 is doing fine. Hopefully that is the case with Lucy.

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  18. Your words echo what all of us moms feel. I always carry a little worry around for each of my children. We will remember Lucy in our prayers. Cole had surgery for 2 hernias when he was about her age and Tom and I shed a few tears over that surgery. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  19. Shawni, You are doing your job as a mother. I will keep you all in my prayers.

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  20. Shawni, I knew your family would have some great traditions, thanks for the Valentines idea! LOVE it! Okay this is random, but how in the heck do you make paragraphs in your blog entries? It doesn't allow me to do that when I write an entry and it is driving me crazy! I have one long, long, long paragraphy each time! I am trying to figure all this computer stuff out on my own and not doing the best job! I may have to call you for some tips! :)

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  21. Oh Shawni I feel for you so much. I am sure it is so hard to not fully know what is going on with sweet Lucy and once the worrying kicks in, it is so tough.
    Since I am a big-time worrier, I have found that whenever I have had any health issues with either my kids or myself, the doctors have always told me to be cautious about what I read on the internet since it seemed to compound my manic worrying.
    Hopefully, my friend, it will be absolutely nothing and they will find that Lucy is just a content, happy baby. Hope for the best Shawni and we will keep you in our prayers.

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  22. Shawni, I love your blog and this post especially. We went through a little of this with Sebastian because he wasn't talking. In hindsight it turned out to be a great bonding experience for the two of us. We got to do developmental tests together four times, we went to therapy once a week for almost a year, and I got to spend more time seeing him as an individual instead of the next model in our family. We met great people who fell in love with him and cheered for him as much as I did. He met kids who had a much harder time that he does, and that made me grateful that he didn't have bigger problems, but it made him really empathetic too.
    I remember a couple of kids who would have all-out meltdowns whenever we would change activities. Sebastian would walk up to them and pat them, or share a toy with them. It has continued in nursery and preschool, and what better attribute could I wish for in a child?
    Mostly, I see that his developmental delays let us get closer. The work we did together was so much more helpful than the hours he would have spent sitting in the cart, the stroller, or in front of the TV.
    Testing and specialists feel like a big logistical waste of time, then you get a breakthrough somewhere and your child reaches a milestone and you need to pat yourself on the back, because it's due to your worry and time and energy.

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  23. Shawni & Dave,You can't be more of a worrier than me- but I'm comforted to know that I'm not the only one who worries about how I've treated people at parties or church, etc.  I've seen Grace and she always seems to be smiling, no doubt because she feels the spirit and so much love in your home.  I COMPLETELY empathize with your feelings.  As you know, our last little guy had many problems at birth, and I still watch him very closely.  Also I think you know that I have a sister with Down Syndrome.  When she was born 28 years ago, I remember our family and ward praying and fasting that the tests would turn out negative (obviously the medical advances and testing have made leaps and bounds since then) and when the tests confirmed she had Down Syndrome, we changed our prayers for her health and for our ability to accept what we had been blessed and challanged with as a family.  At the time my dad was still in school and 6 of us lived in a 2-bedroom apartment.  We slept on mattresses on the floor and ate at a picnic table that we used as a kitchen table.  I can't imagine the sheer faith and optimism my parents must have had to shoulder the range of emotions and insecurity as well as the huge financial responsibilities (she had to have open heart surgery when she was just two years old and weighed only 14 pounds... the doctors gave her a 60% chance of living through the 8-hour surgery).  My sister had FAR exceeded the prognosis the doctors gave her back then, they even gave my mom the option of leaving her at the hospital to be taken to an institution. I agree with you, all of my kids have walked and talked, etc., at different ages and there were times I worried and stayed awake at night praying everything was OK.  The fact is, you and Dave have amazing children and amazing families.  Regardless of what is worrying you about your little one, you are Lucy's mommy for a reason! I love the conference talk by Elder Simmons ("But If Not - 2004)a couple of years ago, it's helped me to stay faithful through trials. xoxo

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